16 June 2022
I've been making some light searches for apartments in Est, not expecting much yet, but my friend just messaged me today asking if I want to sublet her place. Rent is good and she offered me further a discount because she'll have to keep some stuff (books, spinning wheels, a floor loom - some of this which she offered to let me keep, like the big floor loom) there for a while. She gave me a video tour and the place is really cute, wood flooring and lots of natural lighting and cute little work spaces. She even showed me the best place for my cats to sit and watch the birds outside -- they'll probably be pretty happy there. There's also a cafe and bar nearby and it's one of the queerest neighborhoods in the town, so I'm definitely content. Plus she's going to help me get settled in before she moves so I won't have to worry about the cats much once we get there. This is honestly more than I could've ever hoped for and it's lifted a lot of the feelings of doom that I've been having this month. It's terrifying moving abroad without knowing where you'll stay exactly aha, but this solves it so so well. I'm starting to look forward to the move more!
10 June 2022
I've gotten further along in my embroidery and doll projects, but neither are done yet. I've shown my mom the embroidery so far and she likes it a lot, so I think I'll give it to her when it's finished. I've gotten a lot of logistics figured out for traveling with my cats, but there's still more work to do for it. I'm glad I'm not taking any courses or working during June or July, I think getting things done for the move without this time off would be near impossible. I went to an Est thing earlier and my prof just texted me to compliment my hairstyle, which was very nice of her. I've been rather lazy in being otherwise productive today; I only worked on the doll really.
My friend told me today that I'm crazy for moving to Est, especially with my cats, but why wouldn't I when I now have my chance? I love it so much and I have friends there and they value my academic field there way more than here. It's easier there for me.
I just read about Alexander Supertramp. It's weird to think he was younger than me when he died. And I wonder about his thoughts in the final few days before death, because he was clearly aware that he was dying. How terrifying, to die completely alone like that.
6 June 2022
No surprise but I spend most of my days trying to figure out the move. I'm stressed about all of it, but especially getting the cats there with me. It's on me for becoming a crazy cat person young, but I have 3 cats that I love dearly and I would be devastated to part with any of them. Then there's clearing out my closet and figuring out what to do with all the little things I've accumulated. And most importantly, I spend quite a bit of time each day sitting and worrying about the months ahead. I worry about getting rid of things, about packing, taking the cats, finding an apartment there, financials, whether I'll make new friends... everything! I've been dreaming about this move for so long and it feels surreal that I have a set date when I'm going now.
I'm going between projects right now. I'm still crocheting beanies, but after finishing the baby blanket I've been needing some change. I've worked on the doll a bit, like I painted her shoes and I ordered proper fabric for a skirt. I've found a crochet pattern to make a stuffed kitty to go along with the baby blanket and I plan on starting soon, I've even ordered nice eyes for it. And the most exciting and challenging: I've been watercoloring and embroidering a field of flowers. It's challenging because I'm a very indecisive person and never know which little detail to add next or which color to use for which flower. So the work goes slowly, but I love where it's at so far. Even the little cabin I've added is so nice to look at.
Well, the night is warm and rainy. All of my cats are sleeping and I feel myself falling asleep. Good night.
1 June 2022
Happy Pride Month!!! This is a kind reminder that I'm nonbinary and hella gay!
I finished the baby blanket for my friend, I really love how it turned out! I still have some yarn left over from the baby blanket so I think I'm going to try and make a little plush kitty to go along with it. Usually I just crochet beanies so this project has been really fun for me. And I'm happy to make things for my friend's future little one; she's the first friend I've had to get pregnant and I'm moving soon so right now is the time to make her things. I also made laundry detergent today. I haven't gotten to make any for over a year so it was exciting to make more. I put some citrus essential oil in this detergent to make the smell stronger this time around. I've been sorting out my clothes for the move and washing the ones I'll be packing soon -- which, I hand wash my clothes so it takes a while to get them all washed. But it gives me something to do to look forward to each day; yes, I know it's weird to look forward to laundry, yet I do.
I've been cooking more recently too, which I haven't done much in months. I've been so busy and tired these last few months, it's been hard finding time and energy to do things like cook and really clean. To start falling into the routine of doing it again feels really good actually. I think I need this normalcy before I move and start class again.
29 May 2022
I've let the concept of time escape me over the past couple weeks. Most evenings I've been having a gummy and then I sleep in through the morning. Most days I try to be good about getting things done, like I've taken some granny squares I crocheted years ago and I'm making them into a baby blanket for a friend. I've been scanning my books so I don't have to worry too much about leaving them behind. I've been deciding what I need to do with the rest of my things before I move. There's a lot to do for the move still and I constantly worry over it. I look through apartment listings, even though it's not quite time to book one yet, and show my friends my favorites. One of my friends who has a good job has offered to help me with rent while I get my life together over there, which is very nice of him and eases a lot of my stress. It's incredible having a support network during this move, the support I'm receiving now is not something I'm used to.
19 May 2022
I've been so tired today. Usually I try to be up doing something useful, like scanning books from the library or crocheting or something, but I didn't do much of anything. I even took a nap earlier in the evening, which is odd for me since naps usually give me migraines. But living today has just been so exhausting for whatever reason.
18 May 2022
I'm starting a new craft - remaking a doll with Est folk clothing - and might finally get around to a craft page here so I can document the doll makeover process. I'm really excited to try making little clothes and a wig for her. I don't paint though so her transformation will be a bit limited! Hopefully I find the energy to document it, I'm excited for a new craft.
The other day I got to see my friend H. He has the most gentle energy of everyone I know, he makes life so much easier to bear. I thanked him for everything he's done for us during the past few months and he turned it back to say I had also done a lot, that I'm a good person. I'm really bad at handling compliments, I don't get them a lot and they always seem fake to me (probably because my worldview was molded by abuse), but when H compliments me it makes me want to cry. I love being around him, I love that I get to know him.
Last night I took an edible and thought a bit more about my childhood trauma. I had the realization last night that the first major step I could take towards dealing with my trauma is to admit that it is trauma and that I still live with it. When I first left home a few years back I didn't really accept that; I thought that since I had left, that I shouldn't feel bad about my trauma anymore. I didn't touch the trauma really because I didn't want to acknowledge it. And I think that's a major reason why I always felt so emotionally unstable. But I've talked with my therapist a lot about how cPTSD leaves side effects and that it's something my brain needs to process still. I think knowing that the trauma is there has been very important to my mental growth. I think I'm going to be struggling with it for a while, I'm still convinced that I don't deserve to be treated with respect, but I'm glad I'm at this step now. I think that's a major reason why I also do research in memory studies, a lot of us are dealing with trauma in some way. It's something I can relate to.
15 May 2022
I've just been exhausted. This year has been so much and I'm looking at further busy months ahead. I have to pack everything and finish my crafts and say goodbye to my friends here. But I've been so tired it's hard to get any of that done.
I'm watching a new queer movie right now, Crush. It's not great, the Tumblr references keep punching me in the gut, but it's fun to see being queer normalized in the movie. When I was still in high school, they/them pronouns weren't really a thing in the mainstream yet and moreover, my area in SoCal is a bit conservative. People at my school felt physically safe being out, but there was still a lot of bullying. Changing my pronouns, coming out as nonbinary beyond my little friend group, that wouldn't have went well. I wish Crush had been released 10 years ago, exactly as it is now, but when I needed it. When I needed to see someone using a nonbinary pronoun. It feels like things didn't start getting standardized and mainstream until I had left high school. But I have a difficult time keeping up with mainstream things, perhaps I'm wrong.
Still though, I've been thinking about the past few years in the transgender context of my life. Transitioning has been a really rough thing for me. Back home whenever I tried to transition, my state insurance would get cancelled immediately. And when I first tried doing it here, I was sexually assaulted and subject to medical malpractice that really messed up my health. The experiences have made me question whether this society will even allow me - a poor, autistic, trans kid - to complete my transition. And things are only getting worse here. It's hard to look at my friends like F, who have had more resources at their disposal and got to transition without the same hurdles. It's hard to not be jealous of him and others who could just afford to go on hormones and get surgery, who have parents that are more accepting of them. My journey in comparison only depresses me. A couple weeks ago I finally felt okay enough with my current doctor to increase my hrt dose; I've been on it before, but it's difficult to do this after so many previous failures. It's hard to trust this time will go right, even as I see the changes already happening.
The other night I got high with my friends. I cut my hair recently and my jawline seems a bit more defined with the hrt. So when I got home I looked in the mirror for a while and felt some sort of self-love, some satisfaction with my gender presentation, for the first time. I hope I get to feel that again someday.
3 May 2022
I keep trying to be productive and get work done, but I'm so exhausted and not motivated for living right now. I want to finish my seminar paper. I want to take a First Aid course. I want to pack for my move to Est. I want to learn how to grow microgreens. I want to work on my original stories. I want to perfect my mushroom beanie crochet pattern. I want to add more to my Neocities site. I want to read The Mushroom at the End of the World. Or a book about identifying mushrooms, using them for natural dyes. Or a book about identifying birds because the ones in my current town are so beautiful. I want to recycle my junk mail into new paper with flowers embedded in the pulp and write endearing little letters to all my friends. I want to tell my friend E that I love her and I hope her life gets better and I hope one day she can come out of the closet. I want to finish my little Estonian doll. I want to embroider and make more potpourri pillows with the dried lavender I got. I want to put my beanies in the little consignment shop downtown, but I never have energy to make enough. I want to brush up on my Ukrainian. I want to make a motanka doll. I want to learn how to tune my bandura. Or my kannel. Or learn how to play the ukulele. I want to make gifts for my friends. I want to sit outside and enjoy the nice breeze and all of the little bunnies out exploring the meadows around here. I want to work on refurbishing my Walkmans and souping up my favorite one with bluetooth, because why not. I want to collect flowers and dry them, tie them together with one of the ribbons I love making, and send them to E. I want to visit H's library again, read under the fairy lights and take my breaks by going out to feed the ducks at their pond. I want H to tell me everything will be okay, even if it's a lie. I want to not be tired.
2 May 2022
We messed up the climate. There's a war in Ukraine. The US Supreme Court has decided that women's rights don't actually matter. My state doesn't think trans people (like me) deserve a good livelihood. We're on strike at my university because the admin doesn't care to pay us. My department has actively fucked me over, yet my language teachers want me to stay. Getting my citizenship confirmed has been a long and difficult and ongoing process. I didn't get the big grant I worked so hard for. Funding my move to Est this summer is stressing me out. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. It's too much to juggle in my head alongside everything I've been trying to accomplish.
I finished crocheting a red beanie with white spots, a mushroom beanie. It gives me joy right now.
1 May 2022
There's a lot of relief in April finally having ended; the month felt far too long to be natural. But this also means my structured days are a thing of the past for the remainder of the summer, and I'm not sure how I'm going to manage that. I've been so busy and exhausted these past few months and in the coming ones I have to prepare to move abroad. For now, there's an odd lull in the storm which makes me feel uneasy and anxious. Getting work done is near impossible, yet I all want is the work I have to do to be completed as soon as possible. I feel absolutely listless.
30 April 2022
I've hit the point in the semester where I've had little time for myself and I'm constantly exhausted. The Everything else that is happening hasn't helped me out any.
The other night I went to a professor's house to present my final paper. The introduction briefly recounts how I came to decide on my name change, a personal story, before getting to the academic stuff. After everyone's presentations, the prof commented on them, suggesting where to improve. But for me, she simply told me to keep going, I've found my voice and my paper is going to be good. I'm honestly grateful for my profs (Eastern European older ladies) being so supportive of my changing my name to one from Ukrainian family; it makes the decision easier.
After the presentations my prof kept talking with me - and just me, which was funny - and one of the things we discussed was living off the grid. It's something that I would love to do to the extent that modern society allows; goodness knows I long for more peace than what I have now. But how likely it is for me to ever have the spare time and resources for that, well... that I have less hope for.
26 April 2022
This past week has been so agonizingly long. I keep looking at the calendar and asking if it's sure it is really only Tuesday. The light in all of this was last Tuesday: I got to visit my friend H's house and see his chickens, I even caught one and got to hold her! He also has a separate place where there's a pond with ducks and a little library, the sweetest little library I've ever seen with fairy lights and paper cranes hanging from the ceiling. I hope I have the chance to build such a calm place for my own someday (although "calm" and cats don't exactly coexist well). And H is so kind and smart, to be around him is such a comfort. It has become a habit of mine to hug him whenever I see him, and he seems endeared to me now - he expects the hugs and listens to me carefully. I hope we get to talk more before I move away, kind older people are the absolute best.
F also tagged along that day. H seems knowledgeable about keeping animals alive outside, so I turned to ask him a question with the leading line "I'm interested in tortoise husbandry--" (and I have been for several years!) and it caught F completely by surprise. I tend to assume that other people find me boring so I suppose I never told him I have tortoises. Either way, it was rather funny, and it was even funnier to just keep talking anyway. H was unphased, but I don't think much surprises him anymore. F also got to hold a chicken though, so I think he'll survive the shock.
Otherwise, time is simply stressful. Picketing is tiring, the splintering of unity is tiring, the administration is tiring, and the end of the semester is tiring. I'm grateful for the friends I have in all of this, I just wish the circumstances were better for all of us at the moment.
The depression is bad. What else is new?
17 April 2022
My good friends N & L came over and visited today, I haven't seen them in some time now so I was happy to see them together. I wish I could've expressed it more, but I've been exhausted all day. It's been a long week (month, life...) and I had trouble staying asleep last night, plus I didn't get my usual caffeine in the morning, so my eyelids have been rather heavy. Regardless, I'm glad for the company, I hope they visit a bit more over the summer.
I've been thinking of going further in my transition recently, upping my T dose to a more normal amount and whatnot. When I have the money and time, I know I want to get scheduled for top surgery, but upping my hormones has been a touchy subject for me. I trust my current doctor, but my health got really messed up with the last one. I suppose I just want to be a bit more androgynous, because the constant misgendering has been difficult. I want to be unperceivable, but that seems to require more T.
16 April 2022
I got a haircut today, my thick hair has been shorn so that I can survive the summer heat. I think the haircut looks awesome, but it took 2 hours and I ended up late to my friend's Seder. I got a ride there from another of our friends, upon whom I unfortunately have a crush. H got a ride with us too and, since I was running late, I told F to distract her from my arrival - gotta keep the haircut a surprise. F did his job very well; I was able to sneak up next to his car and open H's door and scared her, it was very funny! I got a lot of compliments on my haircut from them and our other friends.
Being around F tonight was horrid. We sat across from each other at the dinner table, he played footsie with me a few times, but worst of all he initiated cuddling with me and I cannot resist. We were sitting next to each other on the couch and... well I can't remember why anymore, but he held out his arms for me so obviously I obliged, thinking it would be just an odd little hug. But he kept his arms around me and said quietly how it reminded him of cuddling with his boyfriend (yeah! that's why this is an actual problem, he's taken). I shot a friend of mine the most distressed look, whether she noticed or not is beyond me. But he only let me go when it was getting late and time for us to leave. Oh also he joked with me about how Eastern Europeans love dill, which is true, but how did he know that??
Perhaps he's just touch-starved, perhaps I'm just a good stand-in for his boyfriend. But it upsets my heart so.
15 April 2022
Yesterday my friend pulled my tarot for me; I got the High Priestess - 7 of Pentacles - King of Cups and my shadow card was 3 of Wands. This apparently means that I have my emotions and life under control, and that I will soon reap what I sow. I'm glad my tarot reading is confident in me, at least.
I have a court date set for my name change, which I'm very excited for! I've been alerting people that my name is getting changed in such a piecemeal fashion; I suppose I just don't feel like informing some people since I'm moving soon anyway.
After picketing today I grabbed coffee with one of my friends. We had a good time talking about our colleagues and jewellry and cats; she kept telling me how much she'll miss me when I leave, and how she wants to visit me in Est. I hope she does! I'll miss the people here a lot, but it's time for me to move along.
The depression is still quite bad. I assume it's been brought on my all the various stresses. What can you do? I've been thinking of suicide. But what else is new? I think it's time for sleep now.
12 April 2022
I filed my name change today! It went quickly and the clerk seemed pretty confident that I won't have to file in the newspaper, which is a relief to me considering where I live. Now just to wait to hear back from the court. I told one of my professors about my name change today, how it's to reclaim my Ukrainian family and roots, and she was so overjoyed. She's very theatrical; she clutched her chest and leaned against the wall and gushed about how beautiful it is that I'm changing my name to reflect my family and heritage. It was honestly really great to see!
Life has otherwise... frankly, been stressful. My colleagues and I are going on strike starting tomorrow and the threatening emails from the administration has been non-stop. It's hard to reconcile the stressful events happening here with the war going on in Ukraine, it's a weird pull. I try and take one day at a time and ignore the heavy hopelessness that sits in my chest.
11 April 2022
I try to not check the news constantly, but it's hard to avoid. On Saturday morning I woke up to photos of a stuffed animal with blood stains and of a bullet hole in the forehead of a statue of Taras Shevchenko. I can stomach quite a lot, but those two together really frayed my nerves, the intentions behind them.
I went out with my friends for dinner and drinks that evening, as I mentioned. It was a good time; I got tipsy enough to let myself cry and let my friends comfort me; I've been needing that. I found out at the bar that the evening had been planned to get me out and socializing, Gr has been worrying over me apparently. It was sweet, it's just really weird to think that people actually care about me. We also went out yesterday and got ice cream, which is something I think we all need.
I'm going to start the process of legally changing my name tomorrow. My mother and I are taking back her Ukrainian family's surname, I'm glad we're doing this.
8 April 2022
I booked my ticket last night for my move; I'm leaving July 20th.
I spoke to my language professor today about my move. I've been studying with her for 5 years now, and I know she's gotten used to my being around. I've told her that I don't plan on moving back, but she always rejects that. She keeps saying that I'll come back eventually, that I might not like it over there and will want to come back. Last week she told me that she hasn't really realized yet that I'm leaving. I feel bad that she's going to miss me, but I'm ready to leave. I feel so stagnant, stuck here.
I've been so weary today, but tomorrow I'm going out with friends. We'll get coffee and dinner and see a show. For a little while I won't be constantly checking the news.
7 April 2022
The way the days pass has been surreal. I keep waiting for things to get better, but even when it does, it comes with such undesirable prices. I wish we could all sleep the days away.
Being on the laptop is a difficult venture. When I'm online, it's just an excuse to check the Ukrainian news. My browser has all my regular Ukrainian news sites memorized for me, it doesn't take much to get to them. I check my grandmother's hometown, my relatives, religiously. When I finally pull myself away it's like coming into a far too-bright room, nothing feels real. Just the photos. My university has so much drama right now, but I follow it with disinterest. I don't think course work has ever been more unappealing. I just want to sit here with our losses.
I was recently informed that I won't be getting a major grant I had applied for. But between recent health issues and the war, I'm too tired to be sad over it. What is there to do anyway? I've moved onward, I won't let this stop me from pursuing my dream of the last several years. It will be good for me, to be back in a country I love, in communities I am familiar with. Being here is just wearisome.
The depression is bad, and the Prozac never really helped with that. I just want to close my eyes and sleep, for centuries.