22 December 2024
I went on my trip to Lithuania and Poland that I mentioned a while back. I have some friends scattered in the south, so we hung out for a bit. It's been a long time since I lasted visited Kraków, so it was really nice returning there for a few days. It's also so, so busy there, unlike here. It was nice to go somewhere more bustling, even if it's not usually to my preference. And it was great to actually hang out with my friends in person. One of them has quite a dramatic life, and it sure hits differently in person than just over text. Overall, great trip! Hopefully, I can do the same in spring.
I had another meeting with the university I last mentioned as well. The representative I spoke to managed to secure supervisors for me, so I got to meet with the three of them over zoom. They were all super nice and excited about my project idea. They want me to switch over to gender studies, but that's okay with me; I've always been multidisciplinary, so my official label doesn't really matter. I've heard quite a few good things about this university from some friends that I've talked to since the first meeting, which is a relief to me. I think it will be a much better fit than other universities I've looked into, and at least they understand what I'm talking about in my proposal. We're going to meet in January to go over the next draft of my proposal, so they're also a lot more supportive than I've found at other universities. I really hope this one works out.
I haven't picked Twilight back up. I thought I would, but while I was away on bus rides, I started listening to Anne of Green Gables, and now I want to finish listening to it. I haven't read those books in over a decade, and they're a good deal more pleasant than MS. When I have time at night, I've started listening to Anne of Avonlea and crocheting my hat. Oh, I've also picked up studying Finnish again, in anticipation; I'm glad that it comes back to me easily. Otherwise, not much to report.
8 December 2024
Today I took that trip to Tallinn I mentioned last time. It was a short trip; the Tallinn Christmas Market is nice, but it's very small, and it doesn't change too terribly from year to year. But still, it was a chance to get out of my town. And I collected a new book! Well, a used book, an overview with little illustrations of all the most common plants and animals in Estonia, which I find very neat. When I got back, it was snowing! I was going to go yesterday, but it was my mom's day off, so we called instead. We talked about vampires; she also really likes them. She was telling me how she's gotten to be allergic to garlic at her age (yikes) so clearly she must be a vampire, and I followed up with how both of us have skin cold to the touch. I'm going to get her a copy of Dracula for the holiday. She's watched a lot of the movies based on it, but she never read the book. It will probably take her a while to get through, but perhaps she'll like it. Nobody tell her I'm getting that for her, of course. But she's paying for my birthday trip next week to Poland, so she should have something too.
This week was also a bit interesting. I got an email from a university that I had contacted months ago but had given up hope of hearing from. They had a representative here who wanted to meet with me, so we went for coffee on Wednesday. It turns out that the department has gone through some changes these past few months and weren't sure if they could take on my project, but the staff is very interested in my work, so they've been trying to think of a solution. The researcher I met with told me that she thinks she has figured out a solution for a supervisor, and this supervisor is also excited about my project. I'm rather astounded by how much they care about it, but apparently the university is gender studies heavy, more so than other schools I've contacted, so they really want me there. It's been an unexpected but very pleasant surprise to hear that. So, in spring, I'll hopefully be applying there; they have been the most understanding and thoughtful so far, which makes me feel better about it all.
Also, no, I am not yet over the new episode. I've been watching Helluva Boss over again. I needed a break from Midnight Sun anyway, to be honest. I hit the point where Bella says her favorite pizza is plain cheese and it...disturbed me for some reason. So much going on, and then she says that. It ruined the mood. I'll pick it back up in the next few days. I'll overcome this challenge. Once I'm through MS, the rest of the saga should be easy to get through. And finally, I've begun crochet a new hat. I'm going to make little fox ears for it; I'm really hoping it turns out well. Okay, now I think that's it.
2 December 2024
Forgot to mention that I finished a bead necklace I was weaving. All done! It's really cool; it's black with rainbow flowers on it. I'm gonna wear it at next Pride for sure. I've also been planning on taking a trip to Poland in a couple weeks to celebrate my birthday with a good friend of mine. We're in more or less the same predicament right now, so it'll be nice to hang out with her for a couple of days. I was going to schedule it for my actual birthday weekend, but I have that meeting right around then, and whenever I travel I always end up with the worst WiFi. I'd rather not risk anything. Instead I'll probably go to Tallinn during the weekend to see the Christmas market. I also ordered a nice pair of boots for my birthday. It's been a very long year, and a pair of new black boots is a very nice thought.
A new episode of one of my favorite shows just dropped (Helluva Boss, I'm cringe like that). It's so good!! I'm so excited about it, I've been blogging about it constantly. I follow a lot of really great people in the fandom, so my dash is full of cool theories and analyses. It's been such good energy at a time when I've otherwise been lonely. It's also nice to watch it without A. I wish I didn't watch the eps with him back then; he's so fucking negative, it ruined some of experiences for me. Or, he would assume my feelings about it (and about a lot of other things! but I'm a private person, no one should go speculating on my emotions unless I explictly say what I'm feeling!). Sometimes I start thinking about all the other shitty and creepy things he was doing. I don't like to think about it, but it occurs to me sometimes how much he ruined my experiences here. I've lost... I'm not sure "friends" is a good word, but at least amusing acquaintances, because of him. And he was controlling towards the end, but when I'd bring it up, he would brush me aside and say I was wrong basically (gaslighting). Then, to profess his feelings to me (a lesbian)! I wish I had people to vent to, but it's also been very embarrassing for me, so then I don't say much when I have the chance. I know I'm capable of making good friends, but this whole thing has wrecked my self-esteem so horridly, and I don't want to be here anymore. Is this really what my life will always be? Attracting the worst men when all I want is a girlfriend who cares about me? Never getting to keep friends around me? I understand Stolas too well.
27 November 2024
When M and I were talking last, she told me to contact a friend of hers about better universities to apply to. Finally got up the nerve to write to him last night and got back a very positive response today. He suggested a few universities to check into that he's worked with, one of which I hadn't been really sure about since it's less well-known (and verrrryyy far north, which scares me), and then scheduled a call so we can talk about some other aspects of my project. He's a lot better connected and knowledgeable about this topic than anyone else I've talked to, so this is a good step in the right direction. Hopefully this time I find a department that actually suits my research and has some decency. I'm still reading Twilight / Midnight Sun in my free time, but then, that will be my reality for quite some time; Edward just really doesn't shut up. Ah well.
24 November 2024
Well, unfortunately, I have continued to read Twilight and Midnight Sun since I started last week. I'm going chapter-by-chapter, first Bella and then Edward. It's been conflicting for me. The Edward of Twilight is truly such a little bitch, and there's very little defense for it. I end up rooting for Bella to hit him with her truck. But his narrative in Midnight Sun is actually interesting at times. I saw a review a while back that the book would be better if it hadn't been confined to the original plot and, honestly, I think that's a good point. Midnight Sun is so much more open to all of the conflicting emotions Edward is facing; it gets actually interesting at times, and I have a much easier time actually relating to and sympathizing with him. But it's still following the old track, and the old track makes him come off...bad. His character might have actually had potential, if it wasn't this book and this author. Also, holy crow does Meyer write in circles. I swear there are points of Edward's narrative that just keep repeating and repeating and repeating. It was fine the first 200 or so pages, but I'm getting frustrated with the repetition. I end up getting bored and skipping forward. I'll probably continue though; there are genuinely some lines that are interesting. I guess I'm saying that I could fix him.
17 November 2024
I heard back from the journal about my article today. They think it's terrific! I have to do some light editing — I overshot the word count a little because I thought the Works Cited was not included & they want me to add an image — but then it can move forward to the peer review process. Unless something very dreadful happens during that, it looks like my silly little article will be published next year! This is my first publication, which is pretty exciting for me. I think it's also very proper that it's an article about Twilight all considering. Speaking of, I am reading Twilight again after all. It's so stupid, but there's some fun moments in the book. I'm wondering if I have the patience for Midnight Sun, a book that I failed to finish before because, well, Eddy can't shut the fuck up.
I did hear back from the PhD program. I didn't get in. The feedback is generally that I did everything right, except that they hate that one of my case studies is for Ukraine (even though I specified digital research). I received a rather rude email over it. I talked to my friend M after that, since she's helped a lot of people through this process before. She says the rejection is likely out of anti-Ukrainian prejudice and, well, after what I've experienced this year, I'm inclined to believe it. It's pretty common in this area of the world. Well, fuck them. M has some contacts at a much better university, better than any other university I've attended (literally my dream school, though I gave up on it years ago, because I never thought I could afford it), and is confident that I can secure a position there. I've heard from other friends that they're also much kinder to Ukrainians there. I'll be applying there in the spring. After this last program, my worst fear is ending up in another university I despise. So, if it means waiting a little longer, then so be it. In the meantime, I'll work on improving my proposal and maybe trying to get more conference / articles onto my CV. I hate being out of school for a year, but maybe it's for the best now.
9 November 2024
Last few days have been boring for my personal life. Besides normal work, I finished cleaning up my monograph and turned it in to the journal on Friday. I'm sure improvements can be made, but I can't think of any, and it's difficult to wait for my friends to have time to review it when I'm already on a deadline. Well, I'll hear back in a week or so whether the journal will accept it and what will come next anyway. Obviously Novella November is not happening now; once I got the offer to submit my monograph, I focused on that instead, so writing fiction now would be exhausting. I've also just been anxiously waiting to hear back from the PhD program. I know I won't hear anything until the 18th and that I have a good shot, but I'm very nervous nonetheless. And lastly, I've been thinking again of how I should pick up reading again. I tried my best with Stone Butch Blues, but finding time then was difficult, and I lost interest. I'm out of practice for reading outside of academia and my work, honestly. I've been thinking of rereading Twilight for now, because it's a stupid little book and if I put it down, it doesn't matter, I can return at anytime. But maybe a better idea will occur to me (most books, after all, are better than Twilight). Well then, nothing else.
4 November 2024
Just saw my friend M off! We had a good time! She stayed from Tuesday the 29th until this evening. I wish we had more time, but she has a really cool job teaching weaving and stuff back in the US, so she has to get back to that. But I was really happy that she stayed with me the whole time, so we stayed up late talking every night. She finally got rid of her loser boyfriend & I've been working on my trauma a lot, so we talked a lot about coming out as sapphic in the last year, our pasts, and whatnot. She also gave me some neat ideas for more things to add to my favorite dinner recipe! And we both do various textiles, so she showed me a better way to knit (something I've struggled with) and I showed her a bunch of my museum photos from my fieldwork in Ukraine. And we're thinking about doing a collaboration to make lesbian folk dresses, where she makes the skirts and belts & I'll do the embroidery and make the bead necklaces. It sounds so heckin fun, I'd love to have a folk dress in sapphic colors. She also bought me a really nice skein of yarn, which was super nice of her honestly. I'm really sad she's gone now, because we get along very well. Hopefully she returns soon permanently, and then we can hang out all the time.
I also went and got my snail tattoo! I went on Halloween and have my snail on my upper arm now! That tattoo is a little itchy at the moment, but otherwise it's healing really well. Other news is that I just received a bottomless portafilter, which I'm really excited to try, because my current portafilter sucks to be honest. And my mom just received a pack of documents for my great-grandmother from the archive! Apparently there's a photo of her in the paperwork (she apparently looked like my brother!), but I haven't seen it yet. I'm hoping she sends me photos of the documents soon to see what all we have for her now. Anyway, this has been fun, but tomorrow it's back to work and fixing the apartment for me!
27 October 2024
I haven't updated recently, but with good reason! I've been working on finishing up a monograph for publication. Really happy to say that I finished writing it last night! Just need to proofread it and fix some spots, but then I can send it off to the publishers! I've also been trying to clean my apartment up, because my friend M is coming to visit for a few days. I'm really excited that she's coming over! I haven't gotten much in-person socialization recently, so it'll be nice to have some company. But that means cleaning up the mess that a former friend left me, and that's been infinitely stressful. I cleaned a lot today, but we'll see if my hard work has paid off tomorrow, I suppose. In any case, the rest of my apartment is much tidier! And I finally have pillows for guests, which will come in handy when mom comes over in the spring.
I also spent part of today booking a tattoo appointment! Some local tatt artists are doing a flash Halloween event, and one artist uploaded the cutest pumpkin snail today. It's so adorable, I'm so utterly excited!! It's giving Twilight Renaissance, it's giving Over the Garden Wall, it's giving Pumpkin Spice Latte. I love him so much, I can't wait to get the tattoo. I've been showing the design off to my friends. So glad I have something to look forward to immediately after finishing this monongraph!
15 October 2024
The weather has been stormy and grey in the last few days! I'm glad I've started making PSLs at home, makes my apartment feel homier. I'm still waiting to hear back from the university; it will probably be another month. I've been cleaning my apartment up, because a friend of mine is likely coming to visit from the US at the end of the month. I've also been trying to write the manuscript to send off for publication, though I haven't felt much like writing. I think I'm still a little burned out on academic writing from spring. But I've at least gotten some of it finished!
I've been trying to call with my mom more, now that things are much lonelier here. The other day we had a 7 hour phone call! We've been talking about finally confirming our citizenship. We're still missing some documents, but we've been working at it, and I think we can make it happen. We also talked about A a bit. It's been about a month since I stopped talking with him. It's still an upsetting situation for me, but the longer it's been, the more relieved I've been. A little of negativity and stress left with him. I understand venting to friends, but it was getting to be too much for me. Well, luckily it seems that chapter is over & I'm working on being more optimistic about life. It's important to do that with clinical depression, y'know. Mom thinks the whole thing is weird, but it helps that we're talking more and making plans for the spring. Signing off with another statement of hope that I'll get into the Finnish program and move soon.
4 October 2024
I've been tired this week. I've gotten some stuff done; I picked up a new pair of gloves to send to my mom, renewed my lease, confirmed that my application was complete and all submitted, picked up shifts, cooked a lot, etc. I think I'll participate in Novella November, but that means making up my mind about some things first. I'm always so indecisive when it comes to stories, so I just never write anything. I keep meaning to crochet, but at this time of year, my hands hurt, so it's a bit difficult. I want to travel, especially because I have discounted bus tickets, but it is hard to do so with the cats to tend to. I plan on seeing Beetlejuice Beetlejuice on Sunday, but otherwise, I have nothing to do until the end of October. It makes everything so listless -- to just work on my laptop day-in, day-out, and not make any real progress. It's being stuck in limbo.
At times, I get swept up with the horrid feelings of regret and despair. I think how I should've done more to get into a program here, and how insulting it is that a few people I know got in, when I didn't, despite having worked at this longer and harder than them. But then I remember that the department openly doesn't like having competent, strong-willed people in its ranks for various reasons, and the relief that I'm not staying here comes back again quickly. Overall, I am still very glad that I am (most likely) leaving for a much, much better and kinder program. But in the meantime, I'm sitting here without a purpose. I'm back to where I was in August. I try to plan things (crochet, creative writing, writing my manuscript, etc.), but the feeling of wasting time creeps back up on me, and in the end, I do nothing. It's not a very pleasant feeling to have much of my life fall apart while waiting for a much better portion of it to start. 6 months. The clock ticks, but not for me.
29 September 2024
This will probably be my last update for September -- I submitted my application! I wish I could say this month went quickly, but for me, it really didn't. It feels like decades since I had my interview, but it was actually just 2 weeks ago. The more I've worked and worried over this application, the longer the days have been. After this, I need to start working on a manuscript that's been pre-emptively accepted for publication, but for tonight, I'm going to take some time off for a hobby instead. The sense of both relief and anxiety is palpable.
28 September 2024
Very relieved to say that I'm almost finished with my application! I procrastinated the motivation letter a lot, but finally wrote all of it in one go today. It will need some editing, but everything I wanted to say is there in the draft. Once that's edited, I can finish the abstract for my proposal & submit my application! I'm hoping to have everything in tomorrow evening. I get really good vibes from this program; I really hope I get in.
I had a busy day yesterday! I called my mom for a few hours yesterday. She agreed to fly here and help me move up north next year. She's really excited about it, too; she said that she wants to see where I'm living, and I know she really wants to travel more. Mom's getting older, but she wants to go one new adventures now. Well, she'll have a new adventure next year when we pack everything up and I move across the Baltic. We also agreed to start getting her affairs in order so she can hopefully move here and live with me in the next couple years. I really hope everything works out! I also had a video call with my old Estonian teacher after talking to my mom, but by then it was getting late, so I was pretty tired! Oh, I also called my friend Tally back on Tuesday; she's helping me prepare a manuscript that I want to publish & seems really optimistic about what I currently have. I'm glad I've had some things to look forward to in between working and writing my application.
22 September 2024
It is finally starting to feel like autumn here. The trees outside my window started dropped leaves last week, and now the grass is covered with them. The evenings are so cold now that I've had to dig out my at-home socks. I promised my mom a new pair of good mittens once it starts cooling off; I'll have to go to the consignment shop soon and find her a nice pair. My kitty Laila has been spending her naps under my duvet. I've also switched from making iced lattes to normal ones, and also making hot cocoa! I went for coffee with a friend recently, and the local cafe just came out with their PSLs, so obviously I got one. I love autumn; it really livens the spirit.
I've been experimenting with new pasta recipes recently, and I think I've found a good one. I tend to wing cooking, instead of following certain recipes, and this time it worked out! I need to revamp my recipe page sometime so I can comfortably list full recipes there. Perhaps little popup windows for specific recipes that I like. I want to be more creative here, but I know I really need to work more hours + finish my PhD application, so it's hard to spend time improving the site right now. To be honest, submitting the application has been making me nervous, so I keep procrastinating. But the deadline is coming up soon, so I got hop to it!
17 September 2024
I haven't updated in a few days, but that's okay. I've mostly just been trying to work more hours, and also replaying Breath of the Wild. It's such a pretty game; I'm really enjoying my playthrough. I also started rewatching Gravity Falls, since I've been seeing people talk about it recently & I haven't watched it in a while. Also I was able to get my copy of Journal 3 from my mom when I was visiting her a couple months ago. I should rewatch Over the Garden Wall too, since it's basically my favorite media ever, but I need it to feel more autumn-y here first!
Another reason I've been a little quiet is because I had my interview with my potential PhD supervisor at Jyväskylä today, and I've been pretty nervous ever since it got scheduled last week. The more I learn about their program, the more I like it & believe that I can actually accomplish my research there. I would've been really upset if the interview had gone poorly. But it didn't! My interview went really well; she was very nice and says that she has no doubts in my ability to complete the PhD. She also told me how I have strong a research proposal that interests her, even though we don't overlap a whole lot in our areas. I told her that's okay, because I research rather fringe topics for academia, and I don't need perfect overlap as much as I need valuation of my work from my department. She liked that response a lot & told me that my work would definitely be valued there. I'll stop rambling, but the gist is that I'm pretty sure I know what my next move will be now!
8 September 2024
Hm, busy days but nothing interesting, just working. The weather here is still warm, which is concerning. I remember just a few years back when autumn would be in full swing by now, but it still feels like summer. But then, I work night shifts currently, so I at least know that the night air has cooled down by a lot. Nothing else noteworthy.
I've been diligent about reading Stone Butch Blues, but at that rate that I'm reading, I probably won't finish it for a couple more years. So, stay tuned. I also took a detour to read "I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream" for the first time. I didn't realize that it was connected to a larger collection, so probably I'm missing out on some vital context, but it made sense in any case. I can understand the appeal, but it does remind me of why I'm not a SciFi fan -- it's just not my aesthetic. In terms of stories I read recently that I like better, I can think of J.G. Ballard’s "The Garden of Time." I have been debating whether I want to make a page here listing the short stories I've read and my opinions of them, but it seems like more work than I want to do right now, so I'll just leave my conquest of "IHNMaIMS" here. I think I'll redo my Book page to be a bit more autumn-themed later, though. It would be a bit more pleasant.
4 September 2024
Today was a long day. I had a long workshift last night, then had an appointment today to renew my visa. I've been a bit nervous about getting that done, because it's best to speak in Estonian during those appointments, and my Estonian has gotten rusty. But I understood the lady who helped me really well all considering, and we got everything submitted in an hour. I'm glad that's over with, for now! Not looking forward to starting the process over again in another country in a few months aha.
I started weaving a new silyanka today. I really like the design I came up for this one! Also, I saw someone on tumblr organizing Novella November; I've been thinking of possibly joining in this year. Usually, at that time of year, I don't want to write anything more on top of my coursework. But I don't have any coursework right now, so I could theoretically join this time if I want. I have a few novella ideas, but I never dared hope I would ever get the time to actually work on them. Who knows, perhaps I'll actually write this year.
1 September 2024
Journal page has been updated! It was lightly inspired by Raven from Teen Titans (2006), though I can't resist the addition of historical women's dress. I always want to add more clutter to my pages like other people here do, but I find it difficult to focus with a lot of stuff personally, so I end up not doing it for the practicality. But still, I like the pages that I've been revamping recently. They're all very 2013 Tumblr theme-esque, which is my favorite aesthetic. I want to work on some sapphic pages after this; certainly a collection of my favorite old art, at least. Maybe I will make zines, and they'll be about queer women in history and their lives, especially those from Eastern Europe.
I started reading Stone Butch Blues last night. I tried reading it a few years ago, but only got halfway through before I had to put it down. When I moved, I gave my copy to a nonbinary friend of mine. But I have the digital edition downloaded and am trying again. I'm a slow reader when it comes to reading for myself, I lose motivation quickly, but we'll see if I can stay on track this time. After all, what else do I have to do?
I wish I could just focus on something and accomplish it. I'm still shifting from one thing to the next, and not doing anything in the end. Maybe I need to make a planner, or at least a bulletpoint list of what I am trying to do with my time. It feels like an entire month (August) has slipped away with nothing to show for it.
30 August 2024
Boring day! I submitted a draft of my doctoral proposal to EF, but otherwise just thinking of what I want to do with this site. I stumbled upon
another site last night that I find inspiring. I like my darker aesthetic here, but I also want to get some more interactivity. I've also thought of trying to make zines, but that will take some thinking.
Well, I have some news that's a couple of days old now, but that I haven't wanted to acknowledge. I've spent the better part of the last year overcoming comp het and feelings of guilt over actually being a lesbian (not bi!). I accepted this truth and came out to my closer friends as a lesbian last December, and was very clear about no longer dating guys. I was so extremely clear that my past "feelings" for guys came from comp het and internalized lesbophobia that I've picked up over the years for various reasons -- and that I didn't actually feel attraction towards men. Since then, I've had 3 different cishet men try to hit on me, but they were strangers and men are just like that. But still, at a time when I finally feel comfortable with my own identity, these incidents have made me even more cautious with men. Probably that's not logical, but it's true all the same.
So with that context, with fully knowing that I've finally acknowledged that I'm a lesbian and have had to deal with unwanted advances regardless, A (amab) told me he had a crush on me recently. I kinda had a feeling beforehand; he's been unusually insistent about having physical contact for the last several weeks, etc. But I figured he'd deal with it because he knows I am a lesbian. No, instead he told me, along with the fact that he's felt like this since January, so right after I came out. I thought of him as an older brother or uncle sort, who would never do this to me and just be a guy friend. I can't tell if this is petty or not, but I feel so uncomfortable with this knowledge. As if my privacy has been violated or something. I wish he had just kept this to himself and dealt with it, because now I just have to question the entire last 8 months of friendship. And I don't even have anyone here to vent to; my social network is absolutely ruinous. I want my mom, but my mom is a very expensive plane ticket away.
29 August 2024
The last few days have been kind of listless, to be honest. My headache has been coming and going, so I have a difficult time concentrating. But yesterday, I was awoken with the most horrible coughing fit, and since then I've started to feel better. In other words, I think my cold has finally broken, and I'll be back to whatever my normal is soon.
In other news, I heard back from Jyväskylä yesterday. They told me that they're impressed with my CV and like my proposal, and that I just need to narrow down a little, which really isn't very difficult to do. I'm honestly relieved to hear that my qualifications meet what they're looking for, and that I'm on track to handing in a strong application. I've also been working on my preliminary application to EF today; it doesn't have the best of rankings, but I like the vibe that that little university is putting out. In any case, I think I'm getting closer to having a very strong proposal.
I learned today about some rather offputting news about Tumblr's future. Tumblr has been my main social media for over 10 years, but it keeps getting worse somehow. This might actually be my limit. I've had some motivation to put more work into this site, so maybe this will become my main corner on the internet from now on. Who knows. But I am getting up some inspiration for what I want to do here. And my final news is that I finished crocheting a beanie hat; this has reminded me that I should make a crafts page here, wherein I share my silly little crafts. It would be nice to have them all in one place.
26 August 2024
The boring update is that I'm still sick, which is not surprising. It usually takes me a week or so to shake off even mundane colds. It feels like I'm going to cough up a lung. My much more exciting update is that my new espresso machine arrived today! The old one has been handed off to A, who's better at fixing things and is patient enough to go through the wait of ordering new parts, etc. But this time, I got a better version of my old one; it has a good milk frother! The new machine is all set up and I've already made an iced latte with it. Really, it's a relief to now go back to making coffee at home.
I wish I had a better grasp on what I wanted to do today. I might be a bit indecisive because of the headache. But I've spent the entire day shifting from one thing to another without really completing something. My to-do list includes crafts, reading some new books, and learning some new tech skills (mostly around databases, I guess). But I keep changing my mind on what to do exactly, so then I do basically nothing. I think maybe I'll have to turn in early again.
24 August 2024
I caught a cold :( I don't get sick very often, but when I do it always lasts way too long and tends to affect me worse than other people. Everything about my respiratory system is painful and my bones ache. I am not being brave about it.
Today I worked on scanning a book about pysanky that I'm borrowing from a friend. I got all 200 pages scanned, which is very good! But I no longer have university access to Adobe, which I used to use when cleaning up book scans. I've been trying some other software, but I'm used to how Adobe cleans up PDFs and every other way just seems too convoluted or not up to my usual expectations. I guess I'll have to keep looking at other options or see if I can get Adobe through other means. Otherwise, I want to craft right now, but I'm not very confident in my ability to not sneeze on my crafting tools, which is frustrating. I might turn in early tonight just to pass the time.
22 August 2024
Hi again! Maybe I'll actually be able to keep up my updates, even if I don't always work on adding to the site. Today, I sent off my proposal to Jyväskylä, like I said I would yesterday. I hope they're interested in my work! I also watched A take apart my espresso machine to see whether it can be fixed after all or not; the prognosis is that it would take a long time, so I'm going ahead with getting a new machine. I've also been looking into the best resources to learn how to build / use a database. It looks a little tedious, but then I've always been more hands-on when it comes to coding skills. How else would my little site end up so code-broken? Well, then, I think that's about it for today's activities!
21 August 2024
Hello, void! Today, I went with A for a little hiking trip to Elva. Elva is a small town with 2 lakes, many hiking trails filled with mushrooms, and a mushroom park. I first visited in 2019, and I was so amazed to see the little mushroom fairy circles, abundance of trees, and happy ducks. I've been wanting to go back since then, but it always felt best to go back at the beginning of autumn when the mushrooms are plentiful. And I finally went! We also saw a couple of tiny toads, the smallest lizard I think I've ever seen, plenty of ducks, well-fed dragonflies, and some very small snails. We also saw (and felt) some mosquitoes, which is not as pleasant. But it was a good day and it is smart to go see trees every once in a while.
My more unfortunate news is that it looks like my espresso machine has finally given out. I'm its third owner, and it's gotten near-constant use for the last 4 or so years, so I'm really not surprised. But it's bad timing, and it's not very pleasant to suddenly be cut off from espresso. I've spent some time this evening looking at possible replacements. I think I'm going to get a slight upgrade on my next one, now that I know there are some payment plan options. I'm sure it will get worked out.
I finished rewriting a draft of my proposal to Jyväskylä today, which I plan to edit and send off to them tomorrow. Wish me luck! Well, then, until next time, void!
20 August 2024
Hello, void! The funny thing about being nocturnal and writing these entries is so late is that I don't know which date to put down, but for me, it's still 20 August. Anyway, today has actually been rather busy considering that I haven't left my apartment. I'll begin with the event that started first: I heard back from 2 universities today about finding supervisors for their PhD programs! I've contacted Jyväskylä & Eastern Finland within the last week, and today both responded asking for my CV, draft proposal, etc. Once I have those sent in, they can let me know whether I'm a suitable candidate for their programs and who might be able to supervise my project. I'm still waiting on responses from Oulu and Turku. But Jyväskylä comes highly recommended to me from an old professor of mine, and EF has some great professors in their department, so I'm sure I'd be glad either way. It's a relief to hear back so quickly from a couple of my top choice universities, honestly. It makes me feel like things are finally going forward and that maybe things will be okay in the end. I'm quite tired for today, but I'll work on replying to them tomorrow and Thursday!
The second event is that my friend A came over and presented me with a bead loom! I've been asking him for a couple months now to help me build a proper loom, but it turned out that sourcing proper wood parts in Estonia would be difficult/costly. So, while I was away for a couple of weeks, he placed an order to a seller in Kyiv for a sturdy, collapsible bead loom that I can weave gerdany on. He told me that it was the best option, because he knew I liked the design and he wanted to support Ukrainians above all (the correct answer, considering this craft is Ukrainian). It's rather out of my budget, so even having this loom now feels like a small miracle. I already have it set up, and I'm going to look through old patterns soon so that I can make a silyanka for myself. I should set up a new page for bead weaving soon, so that I can share my progress.
Tomorrow, I will be leaving my apartment. A and I are going to Elva for a little hike, while the weather is still pleasant. I should try to get a couple of hours of sleep before I depart. Good night, void!
19/20 August 2024
Well, then, I've returned! At my last posting, I was only a couple days away from Indiana to Estonia with my cats, and I've been pretty busy since then. To be honest, I all but forgot about my little site here. Since then, I have received my MA in Folklore and had a lot of little adventures, including one amazing trip to Western Ukraine and crafting my own Sniatyn folk dress! I've gone to Prides in Tallinn, Vilnius, Helsinki, and Tartu. I've made a lot of cool friends scattered across Europe. I got a working hand-crank sewing machine and make clothes the old-fashioned way now. And I also figured out that I'm a lesbian, a label that I was oddly ashamed to take, yet that makes me so much calmer internally now. It's probably one of the biggest revelations that I've had in the past few years!
At the moment, however, I'm in limbo. I have completed my MA, but because I am applying to PhD programs in Finland & how their timelines work out, I am out of academia for the Fall '24 semester. This is actually rather odd (even distressing) for me, as I have had my plate full with courses every Fall, Winter, and Summer since 2017. I have always been in one program or another, and to have it stop makes my world feel empty. Yes, I have a digital tutoring job, but I have limited hours and it doesn't quite give a sense of purpose. At least, it does not give a sense of purpose right now; perhaps it will when the Fall semester really starts. In the meantime, I am trying to step away from academia a bit and find myself outside of it. Returning to this site and journaling again is one of the ways I think I might be able to do this. I have other plans, too, like doing more crafting, resuming my language studies, and traveling locally a bit more, things that I didn't have much time to do during my MA. It's time I remember what it is to live outside of systems. Hopefully you see more of my work here in the future.
16 June 2022
I've been making some light searches for apartments in Est, not expecting much yet, but my friend just messaged me today asking if I want to sublet her place. Rent is good and she offered me further a discount because she'll have to keep some stuff (books, spinning wheels, a floor loom - some of this which she offered to let me keep, like the big floor loom) there for a while. She gave me a video tour and the place is really cute, wood flooring and lots of natural lighting and cute little work spaces. She even showed me the best place for my cats to sit and watch the birds outside -- they'll probably be pretty happy there. There's also a cafe and bar nearby and it's one of the queerest neighborhoods in the town, so I'm definitely content. Plus she's going to help me get settled in before she moves so I won't have to worry about the cats much once we get there. This is honestly more than I could've ever hoped for and it's lifted a lot of the feelings of doom that I've been having this month. It's terrifying moving abroad without knowing where you'll stay exactly aha, but this solves it so so well. I'm starting to look forward to the move more!
10 June 2022
I've gotten further along in my embroidery and doll projects, but neither are done yet. I've shown my mom the embroidery so far and she likes it a lot, so I think I'll give it to her when it's finished. I've gotten a lot of logistics figured out for traveling with my cats, but there's still more work to do for it. I'm glad I'm not taking any courses or working during June or July, I think getting things done for the move without this time off would be near impossible. I went to an Est thing earlier and my prof just texted me to compliment my hairstyle, which was very nice of her. I've been rather lazy in being otherwise productive today; I only worked on the doll really.
My friend told me today that I'm crazy for moving to Est, especially with my cats, but why wouldn't I when I now have my chance? I love it so much and I have friends there and they value my academic field there way more than here. It's easier there for me.
I just read about Alexander Supertramp. It's weird to think he was younger than me when he died. And I wonder about his thoughts in the final few days before death, because he was clearly aware that he was dying. How terrifying, to die completely alone like that.
6 June 2022
No surprise but I spend most of my days trying to figure out the move. I'm stressed about all of it, but especially getting the cats there with me. It's on me for becoming a crazy cat person young, but I have 3 cats that I love dearly and I would be devastated to part with any of them. Then there's clearing out my closet and figuring out what to do with all the little things I've accumulated. And most importantly, I spend quite a bit of time each day sitting and worrying about the months ahead. I worry about getting rid of things, about packing, taking the cats, finding an apartment there, financials, whether I'll make new friends... everything! I've been dreaming about this move for so long and it feels surreal that I have a set date when I'm going now.
I'm going between projects right now. I'm still crocheting beanies, but after finishing the baby blanket I've been needing some change. I've worked on the doll a bit, like I painted her shoes and I ordered proper fabric for a skirt. I've found a crochet pattern to make a stuffed kitty to go along with the baby blanket and I plan on starting soon, I've even ordered nice eyes for it. And the most exciting and challenging: I've been watercoloring and embroidering a field of flowers. It's challenging because I'm a very indecisive person and never know which little detail to add next or which color to use for which flower. So the work goes slowly, but I love where it's at so far. Even the little cabin I've added is so nice to look at.
Well, the night is warm and rainy. All of my cats are sleeping and I feel myself falling asleep. Good night.
1 June 2022
Happy Pride Month!!! This is a kind reminder that I'm nonbinary and hella gay!
I finished the baby blanket for my friend, I really love how it turned out! I still have some yarn left over from the baby blanket so I think I'm going to try and make a little plush kitty to go along with it. Usually I just crochet beanies so this project has been really fun for me. And I'm happy to make things for my friend's future little one; she's the first friend I've had to get pregnant and I'm moving soon so right now is the time to make her things. I also made laundry detergent today. I haven't gotten to make any for over a year so it was exciting to make more. I put some citrus essential oil in this detergent to make the smell stronger this time around. I've been sorting out my clothes for the move and washing the ones I'll be packing soon -- which, I hand wash my clothes so it takes a while to get them all washed. But it gives me something to do to look forward to each day; yes, I know it's weird to look forward to laundry, yet I do.
I've been cooking more recently too, which I haven't done much in months. I've been so busy and tired these last few months, it's been hard finding time and energy to do things like cook and really clean. To start falling into the routine of doing it again feels really good actually. I think I need this normalcy before I move and start class again.
29 May 2022
I've let the concept of time escape me over the past couple weeks. Most evenings I've been having a gummy and then I sleep in through the morning. Most days I try to be good about getting things done, like I've taken some granny squares I crocheted years ago and I'm making them into a baby blanket for a friend. I've been scanning my books so I don't have to worry too much about leaving them behind. I've been deciding what I need to do with the rest of my things before I move. There's a lot to do for the move still and I constantly worry over it. I look through apartment listings, even though it's not quite time to book one yet, and show my friends my favorites. One of my friends who has a good job has offered to help me with rent while I get my life together over there, which is very nice of him and eases a lot of my stress. It's incredible having a support network during this move, the support I'm receiving now is not something I'm used to.
19 May 2022
I've been so tired today. Usually I try to be up doing something useful, like scanning books from the library or crocheting or something, but I didn't do much of anything. I even took a nap earlier in the evening, which is odd for me since naps usually give me migraines. But living today has just been so exhausting for whatever reason.
18 May 2022
I'm starting a new craft - remaking a doll with Est folk clothing - and might finally get around to a craft page here so I can document the doll makeover process. I'm really excited to try making little clothes and a wig for her. I don't paint though so her transformation will be a bit limited! Hopefully I find the energy to document it, I'm excited for a new craft.
The other day I got to see my friend H. He has the most gentle energy of everyone I know, he makes life so much easier to bear. I thanked him for everything he's done for us during the past few months and he turned it back to say I had also done a lot, that I'm a good person. I'm really bad at handling compliments, I don't get them a lot and they always seem fake to me (probably because my worldview was molded by abuse), but when H compliments me it makes me want to cry. I love being around him, I love that I get to know him.
Last night I took an edible and thought a bit more about my childhood trauma. I had the realization last night that the first major step I could take towards dealing with my trauma is to admit that it is trauma and that I still live with it. When I first left home a few years back I didn't really accept that; I thought that since I had left, that I shouldn't feel bad about my trauma anymore. I didn't touch the trauma really because I didn't want to acknowledge it. And I think that's a major reason why I always felt so emotionally unstable. But I've talked with my therapist a lot about how cPTSD leaves side effects and that it's something my brain needs to process still. I think knowing that the trauma is there has been very important to my mental growth. I think I'm going to be struggling with it for a while, I'm still convinced that I don't deserve to be treated with respect, but I'm glad I'm at this step now. I think that's a major reason why I also do research in memory studies, a lot of us are dealing with trauma in some way. It's something I can relate to.
15 May 2022
I've just been exhausted. This year has been so much and I'm looking at further busy months ahead. I have to pack everything and finish my crafts and say goodbye to my friends here. But I've been so tired it's hard to get any of that done.
I'm watching a new queer movie right now, Crush. It's not great, the Tumblr references keep punching me in the gut, but it's fun to see being queer normalized in the movie. When I was still in high school, they/them pronouns weren't really a thing in the mainstream yet and moreover, my area in SoCal is a bit conservative. People at my school felt physically safe being out, but there was still a lot of bullying. Changing my pronouns, coming out as nonbinary beyond my little friend group, that wouldn't have went well. I wish Crush had been released 10 years ago, exactly as it is now, but when I needed it. When I needed to see someone using a nonbinary pronoun. It feels like things didn't start getting standardized and mainstream until I had left high school. But I have a difficult time keeping up with mainstream things, perhaps I'm wrong.
Still though, I've been thinking about the past few years in the transgender context of my life. Transitioning has been a really rough thing for me. Back home whenever I tried to transition, my state insurance would get cancelled immediately. And when I first tried doing it here, I was sexually assaulted and subject to medical malpractice that really messed up my health. The experiences have made me question whether this society will even allow me - a poor, autistic, trans kid - to complete my transition. And things are only getting worse here. It's hard to look at my friends like F, who have had more resources at their disposal and got to transition without the same hurdles. It's hard to not be jealous of him and others who could just afford to go on hormones and get surgery, who have parents that are more accepting of them. My journey in comparison only depresses me. A couple weeks ago I finally felt okay enough with my current doctor to increase my hrt dose; I've been on it before, but it's difficult to do this after so many previous failures. It's hard to trust this time will go right, even as I see the changes already happening.
The other night I got high with my friends. I cut my hair recently and my jawline seems a bit more defined with the hrt. So when I got home I looked in the mirror for a while and felt some sort of self-love, some satisfaction with my gender presentation, for the first time. I hope I get to feel that again someday.
3 May 2022
I keep trying to be productive and get work done, but I'm so exhausted and not motivated for living right now. I want to finish my seminar paper. I want to take a First Aid course. I want to pack for my move to Est. I want to learn how to grow microgreens. I want to work on my original stories. I want to perfect my mushroom beanie crochet pattern. I want to add more to my Neocities site. I want to read The Mushroom at the End of the World. Or a book about identifying mushrooms, using them for natural dyes. Or a book about identifying birds because the ones in my current town are so beautiful. I want to recycle my junk mail into new paper with flowers embedded in the pulp and write endearing little letters to all my friends. I want to tell my friend E that I love her and I hope her life gets better and I hope one day she can come out of the closet. I want to finish my little Estonian doll. I want to embroider and make more potpourri pillows with the dried lavender I got. I want to put my beanies in the little consignment shop downtown, but I never have energy to make enough. I want to brush up on my Ukrainian. I want to make a motanka doll. I want to learn how to tune my bandura. Or my kannel. Or learn how to play the ukulele. I want to make gifts for my friends. I want to sit outside and enjoy the nice breeze and all of the little bunnies out exploring the meadows around here. I want to work on refurbishing my Walkmans and souping up my favorite one with bluetooth, because why not. I want to collect flowers and dry them, tie them together with one of the ribbons I love making, and send them to E. I want to visit H's library again, read under the fairy lights and take my breaks by going out to feed the ducks at their pond. I want H to tell me everything will be okay, even if it's a lie. I want to not be tired.
2 May 2022
We messed up the climate. There's a war in Ukraine. The US Supreme Court has decided that women's rights don't actually matter. My state doesn't think trans people (like me) deserve a good livelihood. We're on strike at my university because the admin doesn't care to pay us. My department has actively fucked me over, yet my language teachers want me to stay. Getting my citizenship confirmed has been a long and difficult and ongoing process. I didn't get the big grant I worked so hard for. Funding my move to Est this summer is stressing me out. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. It's too much to juggle in my head alongside everything I've been trying to accomplish.
I finished crocheting a red beanie with white spots, a mushroom beanie. It gives me joy right now.
1 May 2022
There's a lot of relief in April finally having ended; the month felt far too long to be natural. But this also means my structured days are a thing of the past for the remainder of the summer, and I'm not sure how I'm going to manage that. I've been so busy and exhausted these past few months and in the coming ones I have to prepare to move abroad. For now, there's an odd lull in the storm which makes me feel uneasy and anxious. Getting work done is near impossible, yet I all want is the work I have to do to be completed as soon as possible. I feel absolutely listless.
30 April 2022
I've hit the point in the semester where I've had little time for myself and I'm constantly exhausted. The Everything else that is happening hasn't helped me out any.
The other night I went to a professor's house to present my final paper. The introduction briefly recounts how I came to decide on my name change, a personal story, before getting to the academic stuff. After everyone's presentations, the prof commented on them, suggesting where to improve. But for me, she simply told me to keep going, I've found my voice and my paper is going to be good. I'm honestly grateful for my profs (Eastern European older ladies) being so supportive of my changing my name to one from Ukrainian family; it makes the decision easier.
After the presentations my prof kept talking with me - and just me, which was funny - and one of the things we discussed was living off the grid. It's something that I would love to do to the extent that modern society allows; goodness knows I long for more peace than what I have now. But how likely it is for me to ever have the spare time and resources for that, well... that I have less hope for.
26 April 2022
This past week has been so agonizingly long. I keep looking at the calendar and asking if it's sure it is really only Tuesday. The light in all of this was last Tuesday: I got to visit my friend H's house and see his chickens, I even caught one and got to hold her! He also has a separate place where there's a pond with ducks and a little library, the sweetest little library I've ever seen with fairy lights and paper cranes hanging from the ceiling. I hope I have the chance to build such a calm place for my own someday (although "calm" and cats don't exactly coexist well). And H is so kind and smart, to be around him is such a comfort. It has become a habit of mine to hug him whenever I see him, and he seems endeared to me now - he expects the hugs and listens to me carefully. I hope we get to talk more before I move away, kind older people are the absolute best.
F also tagged along that day. H seems knowledgeable about keeping animals alive outside, so I turned to ask him a question with the leading line "I'm interested in tortoise husbandry--" (and I have been for several years!) and it caught F completely by surprise. I tend to assume that other people find me boring so I suppose I never told him I have tortoises. Either way, it was rather funny, and it was even funnier to just keep talking anyway. H was unphased, but I don't think much surprises him anymore. F also got to hold a chicken though, so I think he'll survive the shock.
Otherwise, time is simply stressful. Picketing is tiring, the splintering of unity is tiring, the administration is tiring, and the end of the semester is tiring. I'm grateful for the friends I have in all of this, I just wish the circumstances were better for all of us at the moment.
The depression is bad. What else is new?
17 April 2022
My good friends N & L came over and visited today, I haven't seen them in some time now so I was happy to see them together. I wish I could've expressed it more, but I've been exhausted all day. It's been a long week (month, life...) and I had trouble staying asleep last night, plus I didn't get my usual caffeine in the morning, so my eyelids have been rather heavy. Regardless, I'm glad for the company, I hope they visit a bit more over the summer.
I've been thinking of going further in my transition recently, upping my T dose to a more normal amount and whatnot. When I have the money and time, I know I want to get scheduled for top surgery, but upping my hormones has been a touchy subject for me. I trust my current doctor, but my health got really messed up with the last one. I suppose I just want to be a bit more androgynous, because the constant misgendering has been difficult. I want to be unperceivable, but that seems to require more T.
16 April 2022
I got a haircut today, my thick hair has been shorn so that I can survive the summer heat. I think the haircut looks awesome, but it took 2 hours and I ended up late to my friend's Seder. I got a ride there from another of our friends, upon whom I unfortunately have a crush. H got a ride with us too and, since I was running late, I told F to distract her from my arrival - gotta keep the haircut a surprise. F did his job very well; I was able to sneak up next to his car and open H's door and scared her, it was very funny! I got a lot of compliments on my haircut from them and our other friends.
15 April 2022
Yesterday my friend pulled my tarot for me; I got the High Priestess - 7 of Pentacles - King of Cups and my shadow card was 3 of Wands. This apparently means that I have my emotions and life under control, and that I will soon reap what I sow. I'm glad my tarot reading is confident in me, at least.
I have a court date set for my name change, which I'm very excited for! I've been alerting people that my name is getting changed in such a piecemeal fashion; I suppose I just don't feel like informing some people since I'm moving soon anyway.
After picketing today I grabbed coffee with one of my friends. We had a good time talking about our colleagues and jewellry and cats; she kept telling me how much she'll miss me when I leave, and how she wants to visit me in Est. I hope she does! I'll miss the people here a lot, but it's time for me to move along.
The depression is still quite bad. I assume it's been brought on my all the various stresses. What can you do? I've been thinking of suicide. But what else is new? I think it's time for sleep now.
12 April 2022
I filed my name change today! It went quickly and the clerk seemed pretty confident that I won't have to file in the newspaper, which is a relief to me considering where I live. Now just to wait to hear back from the court. I told one of my professors about my name change today, how it's to reclaim my Ukrainian family and roots, and she was so overjoyed. She's very theatrical; she clutched her chest and leaned against the wall and gushed about how beautiful it is that I'm changing my name to reflect my family and heritage. It was honestly really great to see!
Life has otherwise... frankly, been stressful. My colleagues and I are going on strike starting tomorrow and the threatening emails from the administration has been non-stop. It's hard to reconcile the stressful events happening here with the war going on in Ukraine, it's a weird pull. I try and take one day at a time and ignore the heavy hopelessness that sits in my chest.
11 April 2022
I try to not check the news constantly, but it's hard to avoid. On Saturday morning I woke up to photos of a stuffed animal with blood stains and of a bullet hole in the forehead of a statue of Taras Shevchenko. I can stomach quite a lot, but those two together really frayed my nerves, the intentions behind them.
I went out with my friends for dinner and drinks that evening, as I mentioned. It was a good time; I got tipsy enough to let myself cry and let my friends comfort me; I've been needing that. I found out at the bar that the evening had been planned to get me out and socializing, Gr has been worrying over me apparently. It was sweet, it's just really weird to think that people actually care about me. We also went out yesterday and got ice cream, which is something I think we all need.
I'm going to start the process of legally changing my name tomorrow. My mother and I are taking back her Ukrainian family's surname, I'm glad we're doing this.
8 April 2022
I booked my ticket last night for my move; I'm leaving July 20th.
I spoke to my language professor today about my move. I've been studying with her for 5 years now, and I know she's gotten used to my being around. I've told her that I don't plan on moving back, but she always rejects that. She keeps saying that I'll come back eventually, that I might not like it over there and will want to come back. Last week she told me that she hasn't really realized yet that I'm leaving. I feel bad that she's going to miss me, but I'm ready to leave. I feel so stagnant, stuck here.
I've been so weary today, but tomorrow I'm going out with friends. We'll get coffee and dinner and see a show. For a little while I won't be constantly checking the news.
7 April 2022
The way the days pass has been surreal. I keep waiting for things to get better, but even when it does, it comes with such undesirable prices. I wish we could all sleep the days away.
Being on the laptop is a difficult venture. When I'm online, it's just an excuse to check the Ukrainian news. My browser has all my regular Ukrainian news sites memorized for me, it doesn't take much to get to them. I check my grandmother's hometown, my relatives, religiously. When I finally pull myself away it's like coming into a far too-bright room, nothing feels real. Just the photos. My university has so much drama right now, but I follow it with disinterest. I don't think course work has ever been more unappealing. I just want to sit here with our losses.
I was recently informed that I won't be getting a major grant I had applied for. But between recent health issues and the war, I'm too tired to be sad over it. What is there to do anyway? I've moved onward, I won't let this stop me from pursuing my dream of the last several years. It will be good for me, to be back in a country I love, in communities I am familiar with. Being here is just wearisome.
The depression is bad, and the Prozac never really helped with that. I just want to close my eyes and sleep, for centuries.
